Cheated by 7 boyfriends

I can recall only one relationship in which I trusted him not to cheat on me. I was 15 and it was my first love. Hardly anything to live by, considering I am now 29.

Since him, every single guy I have been with has cheated on me, or refused to be in a committed relationship so he can have other girls around him too.

But after one heartbreak too many I realised it was time I tried to understand why my relationships ended in the same way

16-18: Boyfriend one

Towards the end of our relationship, he told everyone he was single (he wasn’t) and we were over (we weren’t) and he went and got a whole other girlfriend whilst also telling me I could move in.

Found out about his double life as he turned up to the same club with her and blanked me the whole night.

19: Boyfriend two

Cheated with a fresher at university whilst I was on a family weekend in Paris. Found out as the girl fell over in front of me in a club, then stood up and told me she was seeing my boyfriend. Weird.

20-22: Boyfriend three

He cheated on me, proposed, then cheated a week after proposal too. For good measure I assume. Found out due to his sister logging into his Facebook account and showing me private messages

22-24: Boyfriend four

Refused to ever be in an ‘official’ relationship with me during our two-year relationship because, I was 95 per cent perfect but 5 per cent not what he wanted. He hooked up with another girl in his office because I wasn’t always ‘close by’. Direct quote.

26:Boyfriend five 

Cheated with the girl before me and I found out the day after he tattooed my back via social media. She publicly tweeted me to let me know she’d been with my boyfriend three  days earlier. Cool.

27: Boyfriend six

Only together for a couple of months…because I found out via Facebook that he was already in some committed relationship months before, when he met me and made me his girlfriend too. Okay mate.

28: Boyfriend seven 

Cheated with two different girls. Took one on holiday, told me it was a lad’s trip. Found out about the other via personal email – it seems I’m easy to track down.

The worst betrayal was the proposal – I had no intention of getting married young but boyfriend seven proposed on my 21st birthday and I felt slightly compelled to say yes. I did think I loved him, so just figured it was a display of his affection and perhaps we’d have a long engagement. Quite the opposite actually…13 days in total it lasted.

Think I rival Paris Hilton in short engagement stakes. I found out through social media that he’d been sleeping with someone else for months, ergo, the proposal was out of guilt. Ouch.

Anyone who has been cheated on knows, it’s devastating. If you love someone and you find out they’ve slept with someone behind your back, it often feels like a punch to the chest. I am so used to that sick anxious feeling, I almost now expect it.

As I know how hurtful it can be, I refuse to do that to someone else. Especially someone I claim to love. But these guys, they just don’t care. Or maybe they think with their penis and then care after the little man has got his way. Who knows.

To say I’ve had a bad relationship run is an understatement. Each time, I have ignored the initial signs and given the man the benefit of the doubt.

I try my best never to paint them all with the same brush, convincing myself this new one is going to be different.

Nixalina was left heartbroken when at the age of 21, her husband-to-be cheated on her just a week after he popped the question

Yet I am constantly proven wrong. It’s a running joke with my friends that, with each new man, I will be all ‘smiles and sunshine’ telling them all these amazing things about him.

Then, at some point down the line, he’s done something that earns him knob status for life. Next guy comes along…smiles come back…you know the rest.

What also doesn’t make any sense to me, is that the majority of my exes were a mess after I left.

They’d beg me to stay with literal tears. I was suddenly the best girl they had ever met and they loved me more than life itself. So why does it have to take cheating and the reveal of the cheating for these men to realise their feelings?

Maybe it’s a case of the greener grass. Then once the grass at home takes a walk…well then they realise how super green it actually was.

Or maybe men have this knee jerk reaction to freak out a little once they’re in a committed relationship. Either way, it’s no excuse. And it’s by no means gender specific – I appreciate women can be similar, but I can only go on what I’ve personally experienced.

It’s not even an age attribute either. I’ve dated from 21 to 33…you’d expect the older man to be slightly more grounded and emphatic, but no. The recent guy was 32. He took TWO different women behind my back. As if one wasn’t enough of a kick to the face. How many vaginas do you actually need to satisfy your ego dude?

Most strong and accomplished women who struggle to find a partner deep down don’t think they deserve to be loved for who they are

Surely, if I have been repeatedly cheated on, then I can spot the signs from a mile off by now, as well as the type of man who is more likely to be unfaithful? You’d like to think so. Yet I continue to fall for these guys who seem unable to be loyal. The saying goes: Shame on you if you fool me once, shame on me if you fool me twice. What happens when you get to double figures – how much shame do I take then?

I’m all for giving new people new chances, and I think it’s wrong to hold someone new, accountable for past pain and hurt.

However, there’s only so many times you can stick your fingers into a fire before you think…I’m not doing that again, I’ll just get burnt. The betrayals become more significant the more they happen, causing even more barriers to be put up. When your trust is repeatedly broken, you just stop trusting people. I’m like a fortress with a double padlock.

At some point, it’s got to be my fault. I am the common denominator after all. So either I am the world’s worst girlfriend (which is highly unlikely, given their sadness and tears after I leave) or I am attracted to the kind of man who cannot commit. Bingo.

In search of answers and an end to this destructive dating cycle, I had a chat with Petra Kreatschman, a qualified Love and Relationships Coach.

Petra has made it very clear that, whilst it isn’t my fault as such, I am certainly the one who allows such behaviour and who can amend the situation.

She begins to explain to me that ‘Most strong and accomplished women who struggle to find a partner deep down don’t think they deserve to be loved for who they are’.

So perhaps I am sourcing these kinds of men who don’t offer me respect, because deep down I feel like I don’t deserve their respect.

The most recent object of the brunette’s affection was a 32-year-old charmer who cheated with not one, but TWO different women behind her back

If this is the case, and I subconsciously feel like I’m not worthy of a decent man, then I must wonder why this is the case.

Is it because the men have cheated that I have developed this subconscious inferiority complex, or, do the men cheat on me because they can sense I have this inner quality where I don’t feel I deserve them? I have no idea. It’s the chicken or the egg scenario all over again.

When I spoke to Petra about it, she confirmed ‘Cheating – that one is a result of you not feeling good enough.

‘And since by now you’ve developed a fear you’ll get cheated on, you attract even more guys who are prone to it.’ So, it seems, cheating partners is a self-fulfilling prophecy. I think they all will, so I attract those who will.

Petra went on to pose me these two questions, and I’m afraid to say she may have hit the nail on the head: ‘Are you drawn to damaged/complex/mysterious characters because they seem deeper and more interesting than the regular guys?’ and then ‘Do you have a burning desire or inclination to save men from themselves? (heal their traumas, teach them how to love, help them overcome their issues).’

In all honesty, it’s a huge yes to both.

So, am I stuck in this vicious cycle forever? Well, it seems not. Petra has assured me; a change is round the corner. I can turn this around.

But it’s going to take a lot more than just dating different ‘types’ of men or trying to find a ‘nice’ guy. That’s superficial stuff that won’t stick. It’s going to take something stronger and more difficult…I’m going to have to look into myself.

Alter my own bad habits and negative opinions on what I have to offer. I’m going to have to learn that I am enough. It will be the hardest but most rewarding lesson I can master. Wish me luck

How I Stay Single and Sane While All My Friends Are in Relationships

On a recent visit to Washington, D.C., I stayed overnight with one of my closest friends and her boyfriend. Karen and Ben* had moved in together a few months before, and it was the first time I was seeing their new place — their tiny indoor herb garden, the giant television cabinet they’d built together, the shared bedroom closet overflowing with suit jackets and frilly dresses. True, they’d been together since college, but back then it all seemed like playing house, not the same kind of relationship that my mother and father or other “real” adults had.

Lying on the pullout couch that night, I wondered when exactly it had happened. When had everyone else turned into those real adults, with real lives and real relationships and real plans for the future, shedding the shape of undergrads who stayed up too late and used “points” to purchase meals in the dining hall?

It wasn’t just Karen and Ben. Over the past few months, I’d watched nearly every close friend of mine enter a serious (or at least semi-serious) relationship. I cringed each time I logged onto Facebook, where an inevitable procession of wedding photos and engagement announcements (OMG so excited 4 u!!!) made my own life accomplishments (did my laundry for the first time in three weeks!) seem vaguely ridiculous. Where I once daydreamed about seeing my byline on the cover of a bestselling novel, I now alternated between wedding-day fantasies and nightmares featuring lots of cats. Suddenly it seemed as though the world had gotten smaller, and my sole occupation was searching for a suitable mate while trying to hold onto my dignity.

One is the Loneliest Number — The Only Single Standing

I was 24 years old, and on some days I felt as though I were plagued by jealousy and misanthropic thoughts every time I passed a happy couple on the street. On a rational level, I knew I had a life many women my age would kill for: a job that I loved, an apartment in New York City, a ton of loyal girlfriends. From a practical standpoint, a boyfriend didn’t really fit into my lifestyle: I worked a lot, caught up with friends on the weekend, and needed at least an hour of quiet novel-reading a day to stay sane. I was a happy woman.

But I was also a single woman. And although that hadn’t ever bothered me before, a human tendency to compare myself to similar people — friends, family, coworkers ­— meant that it bothered me now. My mother was 24 when she met my father, 26 when they got engaged. Nothing about my current romantic life gave me hope that one day soon I too might be in a long-term relationship. There was the tall Israeli man who stopped returning my texts after we’d been dating for about a month. The medical student I met at a Shabbat dinner who was supposedly still pining for his last girlfriend. The filmmaker who still texts, but only on Saturday nights, to ask if I want to “hang out.” (I don’t.)

None of these unfortunate circumstances would have been especially troubling if I didn’t feel like I was the only single girl left on the planet. One day I made a list of absolutely everyone I knew in my age bracket who was in a committed relationship (62), and everyone who was still single (13, plus me). I panicked.

On the Prowl — Attempts to Leave Singledom

For the first time in my life, I actually wanted a boyfriend — not a specific guy who charmed me with his smile and the way he held my hand, but any dude who was willing to call me his girlfriend, just for the sake of saying I was “attached.” It was less about the way I saw myself, and more about the way I thought other people saw me. When my roommate introduced me to her new boyfriend, did he wonder why I couldn’t do the same? Did they feel pity, snickering at the idea of me lounging in sweatpants and eating sorbet from the container on a Saturday night? In all likelihood, they couldn’t care less about my weekend attire — but my insecurities about romance had slowly started to wear on the self-confidence I’d developed in the years since high school graduation. Beauty may be in the eye of the beholder, but something happens to your ego when seemingly everyone’s being behold-ed except you.

So I took action. I joined JDate. At night I scrolled through rows of punny usernames and snapshots of pets, searching for someone I could bring to dinner with my friends. I looked for guys who were smart and witty and guys who resembled my last boyfriend, and avoided responding to generic messages asking about my weekend. I met a guy from Queens who seemed sweet, but who laughed out loud when I told him I was a vegetarian and made a weird reference to anal sex in the middle of conversation.

At some point, even my parents started to sense my desperation. My mother told me that my father had been querying his coworkers about potential single sons. I was humiliated. They’d worked hard to raise a girl who was self-sufficient, a woman who knew her own worth, and the fact that I was looking for a boyfriend as an extracurricular activity made me feel as if I’d lost sight of those values.

Still, I continued my search, albeit more quietly. One night, my phone buzzed incessantly with incoming messages from a writer I’d met on JDate, a voicemail from a lawyer my dad had tried to set me up with, and an email from my friend Karen about my romantic escapades. I was sitting on the couch reading “Middlesex,” a novel that’s partly about a brother and sister who marry each other, and feeling better about the fact that at least someone’s romantic life was more pathetic than mine. The writer wanted to know if I was free this Saturday; the lawyer, this Sunday. Immediately, I started responding in a flurry of excitement, typing away to let each one know I’d be away this weekend but would absolutely love to get together some other time. Was I really in a position to discourage anyone’s interest?

And then I put the phone down. I started to laugh, even though nothing was especially funny. I’d been waiting — so long, it seemed — for something to happen. For someone to profess his undying love for me. Or for disco diva Chaka Kahn to show up and tell me I didn’t need a man because, alas, it was all in me. But maybe something had already happened. Maybe this experience — of feeling alone and different and never quite at ease — was something important that would shape the way I acted in the future, whether single or in a relationship. Maybe it was okay not to be completely content. Maybe life was actually more meaningful when I wasn’t.

*Names have been changed.

Give it a thought😐

Singleness is a calling, not an identity. A Christian’s identity, that which defines him at his core, is firmly rooted, never to be moved, in his union with Jesus Christ.

The love that God has for him is what defines him. He is loved, valued, forgiven, accepted, purposed, and empowered in Christ. This is who he is and will always be. Whether your calling is to singleness or marriage, your identity in Christ is the same.

The callings of singleness and marriage are both temporary, and may change through life, but a Christian’s identity will not.

A woman’s calling may change from single to married, or from married back to single, but what will never change is her identity in Christ as God’s beloved child, heir to all the precious and great promises of God (2 Pet 1:4).

What is “singleness “?

In order to get at the meaning of singleness, one should also understand the true meaning of marriage. Paul reveals the ultimate meaning of marriage when he writes: “This mystery is profound, and I am saying that it refers to Christ and the church” (Eph 5:32).

The bombshell Paul drops here is that marriage is not ultimately about the relationship between a man and a woman at all, but is about Christ’s relationship to his church. Marriage was patterned, from the beginning, after the relationship between Christ and the church.

The eternal relationship between Christ and the people he would save existed in the mind of God before creation, and marriage was designed to display that relationship. This is incredibly significant, for it shows us that the meaning of marriage is, and always has been, about something that is just as true for single people as for married people.

Marriage is not the eternal norm, without which a person is abnormal. Rather, Christ and the church is the norm. The love and devotion of a husband and wife to one another in marriage illustrates the supreme love and devotion of Christ to the church. Marriage is what the Bible calls a “type.” It is like an imprint in wax made by the seal of a ring. The design imprinted on the wax is not the ring itself; it only reflects the design of the ring. Marriage, as a type, reflects a reality greater than itself. It reflects a heavenly reality, and it foreshadows that same reality when it will come in its fullness to earth.

Marriage reflects the heavenly reality of Christ’s loving and devoted union with the church. It foreshadows the day when that union will be an earthly reality forever. Once the reality has arrived, however, the image is no longer needed. This is why human marriage will not exist upon Christ’s return.

Singleness is not an identity!

How many times have you heard someone say, “He’s such a great guy, how is he still single?” Or, “She’s such a catch. When will she get married off?” The implication behind such questions is that great men and women get married, and those who are not great do not.

For many, being single imprints upon them a meaning that touches their very identities: They are defective, second-rate, somehow less than others who marry. In response to this message, Scripture teaches that single Christians are not defined by their singleness, but by their union with Jesus Christ. Singleness, like marriage, is a God-given calling, not an identity.

The calling of singleness does not stamp upon the single person an identity any different from a married person. It does, however, imprint a meaning. That meaning communicates a message not about the single person, though, but about God himself.

Uncovering the meaning that God ascribes to singleness, singles will experience greater joy in their calling, and those who minister to them will be better prepared to encourage them to live that calling out.

My 4th Valentine single

This morning was one of firsts
and one of fists.
My lashes tied together
untwined the way they always do.

slowly

For the first time in four years
I had forgotten the date.
I pushed my feet through the maze of layers
as if I had someone to wake up next to
My optimistic attitude wished they were not there
because they were running a little late.

I threw on an outfit…vintage  of course

getting ready for class

Since it was a Tuesday if you can call it that
and went to class
The violent red that attacked me at the front
brought me the realization that it was in fact
the same day
just a year ago
that I would have prepared for
weeks ahead instead
I made myself a meal and poured a glass of coffee
as the white outside made
all of humanity disappear.
…and it was beautiful morning

Seeing my cousemates recieving gifts from their boyfriends
I bought myself ice cream from melting moments,

I deserved the treat and walked down to my room
I snuggled and rubbed my feet together under my pink blanket
and listened to songs about loving yourself.
I feel a little bad
I feel a little good
but most of all
I feel
I know
that before loving all of those lovers all those loves ago
I must be loving to the mornings
when there are just my feet in the bed.

This morning was one of firsts
and one of fists.
My lashes tied together
untwined the way they always do.
…and for that I am grateful.

A single man’s remind

Cold meat, processed cheese, making my lunch for another day
Rolled up sleeves
Empty sheets
No one in my bed to sleep with anyway

And at work I find no reward to adore, and after driving home
I cannot help but work some more
Mostly favors of art because I’m poor

Yet no matter how busy I like to keep
I always manage to find some time
To stray into topics too often, too deep
Like what it would be like to be with her in mind

Though most every night I see my brothers, whisk their brides to be away
It’s with every dawn that I am reminded, that my life will not always be this way

Being single can be cool!

Being single is a valuable journey in life we often take for granted because we have often been led to believe that if we are not in a promising relationship, engaged or married by a certain age then something must be mentally, physically or emotionally wrong with us and our value as an individual seems to decrease.

However, what many people fail to realize is that being single is a part of life that should be celebrated and honored as much as marriage. This stage in life should be celebrated as much as marriage because this is the time of life where the knowledge of who you are as an individual grows daily. This is the time where you find out who you truly are and stand firm on that knowledge so when the time comes for a relationship you will remain who you are and not morph into who someone else wants you to be.

I know it gets hard sometimes when we see couples holding hands, walking, and out on dates; and I know it is particularly hard when a friend or family member gets engaged and asks you to play a part in their wedding festivities! I also know it’s hard when we see a woman who is not half the woman we (you) are with not only a fine man, but a good one! Hell, it’s even hard to see Facebook and Twitter posts about someone recently engaged to be married! I know all of these things are difficult because as I write this letter to all of my Single Sistas, I am writing it to myself as well.

  1. Just keep preparing your self, its a matter of time. BUT only when you are ready and figured yourself out that you can think of marriage.

Dont act like you are desperate no.. even when everybody seem to be happy in their relationship just keep yourself.. you are not everybody

http://www.sanctificaxion.wordpress.com

CHRISTIAN GUYS- MAN UP

Recently I was talking to a godly, attractive and single woman. She was exasperated.

“What’s wrong with Christian guys?” she asked me. “They never go after you!”

She was getting plenty of attention from men outside the church, yet the guys at her congregation seemed reluctant to be much more than friends.

There are lot of ready sisters in the Body Of Christ but it seems like our brothers are too spiritual to see that.

Please pursue them and get married gloriously.

I believe it’s the man’s responsibility to initiate the relationship. Though it is the guy’s job to pursue, that does not negate God’s role. God is still the best matchmaker. We should never rush into relationships by running roughshod over the leading of His Spirit. Only after prayer and careful consideration should we proceed.

It’s equally important that men must be sensitive in reading women’s signals. Women want them to be proactive, but when the romantic feelings are not mutual, being aggressive is not cool — it’s creepy. If your advances receive chilly receptions, do not soldier on. Doing so will likely only fortify — not wear down — her defenses. Back off and behave like a brother. Once you’ve made your intentions clear, the ball is in her court. She’ll let you know if her feelings change.

But if you’re one of the myriad men sitting on the fence too scared or too “spiritual” to pursue a woman, it may be time to man-up and make a move. I know taking risks can be daunting. But often the most rewarding journeys begin with uneasy and faltering steps.

God created you to be a pursuer. So next time God brings a godly woman into your life, don’t sit around twiddling your thumbs. The love of your life could be passing you by.

“She is my friend’s ex, she is my coworker”- This words will just delay you!

As a 30-something, Ryan was beginning to wonder if he’d ever get married.

“I went from feeling like I was really ready for marriage in my early 20s,” he says, “to feeling like I was completely ill-prepared by the time I was 30.”

The constant pressure he felt from others didn’t help. “I was facing a lot of concern from family, friends and even strangers wondering why I was not yet married,” he says. “It was difficult to be constantly questioned about the topic by nearly everyone I knew and not feel some anxiety about it.”

But Ryan’s concern led to a breakthrough. “I committed to pray regularly about my marriage and future wife, whoever she was. I knew that my heart’s desire was to get married, and I believed that God would give me the desire of my heart as He promises in His Word.”

Ryan had known Dannah, a fellow engineer where he worked, for six years. During that time, her strong faith and zest for life had not escaped his notice. “My initial observation was, ‘Dannah is alive!’ She was full of fun and joy and expressed strong character and love for God.”

Still, Ryan didn’t see Dannah as anything more than a friend. “Only months before we began dating, the Lord gently dismantled some preconceptions that had prevented me from considering a relationship with her,” Ryan says.

One of those hurdles was the fact that Dannah was a coworker, and Ryan had made a commitment to treat all the women on staff strictly as sisters in Christ. More specifically, he says, “I had decided that I would not like to be in a relationship with another engineer and someone serving in the same ministry.”

God changed Ryan’s thinking. “He helped me realize there was more to her (and me) than our professions and that He could call us to serve in ministry anywhere.”

That discovery led to another. “God distinctly impressed upon me that He was asking me to risk,” Ryan says. “I had to step out in faith and risk being rejected. I needed to do my part, which was to actively pursue Dannah, express my interest in her and risk the possibility that it may not be reciprocated.”

After years of working together — with Ryan mostly in India and Dannah at the headquarters in Colorado — their romance suddenly ignited. “Our relationship began by faith, in a miraculous window of just a few days together in Colorado,” Ryan recalls. “I was home for my brother’s wedding, and I asked her to dinner and coffee on a Thursday night. The following evening, I expressed my interest in her, and she responded with joy.” (What Ryan didn’t know, was that Dannah had been interested in him for a long time.)

The next few days were a whirlwind as Ryan met Dannah’s family and helped her prepare to leave for a ministry trip to Sudan. The night before she flew out, the two stayed up talking and praying. “We were able to enjoy the few days together, filled with grace and fresh love, and trusted that God would sustain us until we could be together again. Our relationship was (and is) a gift from God, because He is good and kind. We did not strive for it or try to make it happen ourselves — all we could do was receive it with joy and thankfulness.”

The couple continued their relationship long-distance during the next 10 months until Dannah came to India to serve with Ryan on a project. It was then that he asked her to be his wife. They were married on Sept. 10, 2010, surrounded by family and friends, who Ryan says, “have celebrated our relationship and rejoiced with us in God’s spectacular plan for our lives together.”

The couple continues to serve together in India. Of married life, Ryan says, “One of the greatest joys is having Dannah present with me in so many life experiences, especially in serving together in ministry to the poor. We see clearly how our individual gifts complement each other so that together we serve more effectively. We are so thankful for one another.”